He has cheered me through role changes, campus moves, and more than a few late nights on call. He knows how fiercely I care for my students and colleagues. So when I came home early and tearfully said “they’re letting me go,” he knew the only appropriate response was a really big hug, and an acknowledgment that this was a big loss for me beyond just the paycheck.

When a partner is going through a search, by choice or by force, it can be hard to know how to best support them. Do they want a cheerleader? Someone to ask reflective questions? To just be left alone? I’ve supported my husband through a couple of his searches too and admit my “coach hat” gets put on more than he would like in those seasons.

Having been on both sides of this, here are my thoughts:

When I first told my husband, I distinctly remember the first thing he said: “Well that sucks.” And not in a flip way. I am often guilty of jumping too quickly into solution-mode or becoming overly optimistic. But he showed me the value of being fully seen in a hard moment. Because it did suck. And we knew that we would be ok and I would pick myself back up and all the other clichés, but taking time to acknowledge the hard part first was really powerful.

We know that the market is tough, timelines are uneven, and the emotional burden is high. Some nights I wanted to celebrate an application I had submitted. Other nights I wanted to discuss literally anything else. Asking your partner if they want to share updates, strategize, or simply not think about it helps you to know what they need today, which is likely to be different than yesterday or tomorrow. 

It is all too easy to get sucked into clicking through job boards and doomscrolling through conflicting LinkedIn advice. I set a regular gym routine as a way to ensure that I got off the screens and let my nervous system calm down, especially in the first few weeks. Whatever your person needs to stay grounded, encourage more of that. It can feel frivolous to take a few hours “off” to go for a run, or read a book, or learn to make pasta, or get coffee with a friend, but those are the practices that help us stay grounded and stay sharp throughout the process instead of burning out.

This was our experience, which is just one of (too) many households that have experienced unexpected job loss. I’m curious what others have found helpful?

Please drop your suggestions in the comments - let’s help each other help our favorite people.